Lights are out and curtains drawn at the Rivonia Vatican; strict mourning is enforced, De Profundis is chanted thrice daily, and there's no sign of white smoke. The reason? Alas, the parting from this veil of tears of one of the stalwarts of the faith, Julius Exter. Jools has been in service since Pontius was a Pilate as head of all matters legal and maritime; indeed, he goes back to Pope Stranack the Unsteady's reign and it says something for his ability that he survived the numerous palace purges and intrigues that are so much a part of daily religious life. His Eminence maintains a dignified silence as always, but it is understood that the parting is not so much due to a crisis of faith but more a desire to pursue a career as a private consultant. I for one have no doubt in Jool's ability to succeed; his knowledge is vast, his experience great, and his immediate grasp of the facts (Tell me, Captain; how far apart were the ships at the time of the collision?) are such that a large following is guaranteed. Malcolm Hartwell and Matt Ash, watch out.
I don't attend weddings, mainly because I can't stand sad occasions; divorces are far more my style. Say what you want about vows based on love, honour and commitment; only the spite, violence, hatred, detestation, lies and pure bloody-minded vengeance that a good divorce generates can demonstrate the true characteristics of a human being. Our industry, being what it is, has more than its fair share of these remarkable displays of unbridled personality traits and the recent events in Cape Town therefore come as no surprise. I hear a broker is going under the knife, and like most men prefers the soft beaches of settlement as opposed to the uncharted waters of dispute. Not so, says the spouse, and demands a statement of facts to ascertain financial probity. Bit of a dodgy one, this; most brokers have accounts where comms are resting before being, er, declared. Hell hath no fury, etc, so the aggrieved femme issues subpoenas to a brace of top managers of a well-known line to give evidence as to payments, accounts, etc. The profession, meanwhile, holds its collective breath.
News reaches me of a novel approach to salary increases. Shane (Woof Woof) Gerber, King & Sons' man in PE in the dirty raincoat assisting police with their enquiries, was summoned by John Jones and informed that his millennium increase would, alas, be conspicuous by its absence. The mangy mutt started to howl at the moon, so a deal was struck. Gerber is about the size of the Taj Mahal and expanding by the day, so John has agreed to pay him a suitably huge sum if he loses 40 kg by July. The mutt accepted the bet, and his diet is under the supervision of Veronica (Yum Yum) Bastion who has already purchased a hose pipe for his colonic irrigation. Gerber was spotted recently in an airport hotel, glaring balefully at a bowl of salad and a glass of water. He has however misunderstood John Jones' perspicacity; the money saved on a non-alcoholic Gerber's expense account could pay for 10 increases.
I go to Safmarine for a breakfast; the object is to introduce their new Jhb manager Neville Salmon to a few shippers. It's held at the crack of dawn so I obviously pitch up late and, thank God, miss the speeches. As most people know, I can't stand Greeks, so they usher Nick Paizes of Protea Timbers out of the door upon my arrival, which is only right. I do however relent and allow a trembling Melanie Hunter from Maslex to stay and finish her coffee. The new boss is flanked at all times by his cohorts Donna Yeo, Paul Zunckel and Ron Frick with Peter Andre and the other reps following behind at a respectful distance. I am summoned to be introduced and we talk briefly about business; not knowing anything about the market has never been a handicap in working for Safmarine but it transpires that Neville is a Rhodesian so it goes without saying that he is a man of exceptional ability and incredible intelligence. Whether these attributes mean he will have difficulty in fitting in at Saf Jhb remains to be seen, but I have no doubt he will be an asset..
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